Ruined

I sit here in disbelief, but thankful. Broken-hearted but blessed.

I just walked through the valley, which is the lower part of Galati, Romania that is often forgotten and very poor. Houses with roofs caving in. Children with tired eyes. Stairs collapsing. Mothers hanging clothes outside with sweat dripping down their faces. Families begging on the corner.

I try to imagine what life would be like if I traded places with any of the people here in the valley.

Would I be the kid whose family got our house taken and now live with 30 people in 2 rooms of a rundown building?

Would I be the kid whose mother locks me out of the house in 20 below freezing weather because I took too long at the store?

Would I be the deaf grandmother working hard to take care of my grandchildren?

Would I be the kid who has to very carefully watch my step up to my house because the stairs are collapsing?

Or would I be the mother who gives away my meal to yet another child I so graciously welcome in to my home?

My heart aches after hearing story after story.

I think about the months growing up that my family didn't have water or electricity in the house. It was a struggle, but to these people-that is an everyday reality.

I remember collecting plastic bottles and cans with my siblings in order to do activities because my parents couldn't afford extras. It was hard not being able to do what all my friends could, but to these people-collecting bottles is a way of getting the basic necessities for survival.

Life is different here.

There is something that seems to be evident and parallel to life back home.

There is joy to be found in the pain.
There is redemption to be found in the suffering.

The youngest child of nine is making her way to college even after growing up in a one bedroom home with no water and electricity.

After years of homelessness and abuse from several different family members, a brother and sister are getting taken care of by wonderful people and making a new life for themselves.

A young man spends his summer in the library because he thrives in learning and making a future.

There is a safe and comfortable community that provides education, food, and a place for kids to be kids in the valley.

Being here in Romania and Moldova has completely reshaped my mind in what it means to be serving Jesus amongst the poorest of the poor.

I look around and wonder if this is the kind of place the Lord is calling me to? Or have I just developed this longing in me to indulge myself in this culture?

Either way. I know I will be back someday. There is just something beautiful about the grace found in the work being done here that has captured my heart. When I have to leave, a piece of my heart will remain over here.

My life has been ruined... in the best way possible.

Enjoy Every Moment

On April 6th, 2012—I was sitting in the doctors office when I was first told, "You have cancer."

Exactly two months from that date, June 6th, I will be on a plane to Romania—Cancer-free!

Now isn't that something?! Gosh, we serve a big God!

It has been almost 3 weeks since I found out that I was in remission and what a three weeks it has been. Fully of twists and turns. So much excitement, as well as many struggles. 

I struggle fighting my fear of relapse.

I struggle at times to find happiness.

I struggle to ask when I need something, even it is just to talk.

I think I had too high of an expectation in when it came to remission because I really do think I expected it to be all rainbows, butterflies, and kittens–so to speak. Which is true at times, a lot actually. But not always, and I need to be okay with that.

I don't know if I am able to say that I thank God for giving me cancer, but I do give thanks to Him for the amazing things He did within that battle. I give thanks for the growth that I have encountered in the darkness.

Someone told me today, "Don't forget to pray today because God didn't forget to wake you up this morning."

Then I tied this together with a quote a friend reminded me of the other day, "What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?"

Those two things have really been getting my mind going. 

I need to pray and give thanks daily! 

Even if I struggle, God is in the midst of that. He takes on my struggles as His own. He bears the weight that I feel on His shoulders.

I tend to find myself thanking God for the big things. The miracles He performs, the big opportunities He has for me, etc. Yes, I obviously need to continue to do so, but I need to reshape my perspective on what I am thankful for.

The little things deserve just as much, if not more, praise because those things happen every second of every day. 

I am thankful for my pillow I get to sleep with every night.

I am thankful for my stuffed pig that reminds me of all the amazing memories I had with my Nana.

I am thankful for my cell phone that keeps me connected with the people that God has placed in my life.

I am thankful for beautiful sunsets that seem to always make my heart happy.

God puts these little blessings in my life, and I overlook them way too easily. 

I leave for Romania in 2 days and although I have many fears about this trip, I cannot let them overrule the thankfulness I feel because the happenings of the last 2 months has truly been the unmistakable hand of God (thanks Mandee!) in my life.

Lord, I want to give You thanks for everything.

Thank you for the little blessings that you put in

my life, and even when I seem to overlook them...

Thank you for continuing to show me Your

unmistakable work in my life. You are worthy of all praise.

Just For Laughs Part Two

A lot of people told me that they died laughing from my last post about the funny things people have said, so I started compiling this list as soon as I posted the last one. I actually found a bunch of them in my journal that I totally forgot about! I really enjoy thinking back to all the conversations I had! It puts a big smile on my face! =)

Enjoy!

"So you have non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma?"

"Yeah, that's right."

"Sooo... Are you gonna die? Or is it treatable? Or..."

"Haha, no. I'm not dying."

"Okay, good. Then it shouldn't be that bad, right?"

"I still have cancer, lol. Just because I'm not actually dying doesn't mean treatment is any different."

"Well that's dumb."

"Well how is school going?"

"School has been great, but I am actually not in school at the moment."

"Oh, how come?"

"Health problems, so I took the last few weeks off."

"Do you mind me asking what's wrong? I hope it's not too serious."

"Well, I actually have been battling cancer."

"Oh... Well, I should get going now..."

"I guess it has just been really hard taking this all in."
"Oh yeah. I know how you feel."

"So... Is chemo as bad as it is on TV?"

"So is that one of the bad kinds of cancer?"

"Are there any good kinds of cancer?"

"Sheraya, seriously?!"
"What?? We all gotta fart some time! I am sure everyone in this room is not gonna care about me farting! Plus my doctors tell me to make sure I fart because chemo has caused me to be constipated quite a bit!"
"Ummm... Little bit too much information there, lol."
(9 year old Eric) "That was a fart?! I thought someone did the whoopie cushion!"

(5 year old) "Are you still going to be able to play with me?"
"Yeah, I can still play with you!"
"Okay, good. Cause I can't draw a four square court by myself."

This conversation was held with Sheraya about a week before she passed away. She was really weak at that point, so she wasn't up and about like normal.
(Sheraya to nurse) "Why can't I just at least get up and move around a little bit?!"
(nurse) "Sheraya, your body is so weak. Maybe tomorrow." Nurse exits the room.
"Why are you wanting to get up so bad? When I feel weak, I just never want to move!"
"Well, I adopted this phrase from an older patient here. 'If you keep moving, they can't throw dirt on you!'"

"Your new nickname is Dragon Warrior. Mainly because of our family's love for Kung Fu Panda. I don't know why dragon, but you are a warrior!"

"I know you probably get asked this a ton, but what kind of cancer do you have again?"

"The contagious kind." (sarcastically obviously)

"Wait, what? What kind is that??"

**FYI—My doctor is very sarcastic and we mess with each other a lot.
(doctor) "Haley, I told you that you shouldn't be in the sun because your skin is a lot more sensitive! You are so sunburnt!"
"I'm sorry! I couldn't help it! The sun was just... right there! It was so beautiful outside!"
"Do you want skin cancer too?!"

This was the morning after my 2nd day of IV chemo (which wasn't too back because it was only a half hour long).

(doctor) "How are you feeling today, Haley?"

"Compared to after my first day of chemo, not too bad at all!"

"Well... We'll have to fix that!"

"I've had a lot of radiation so far. I feel like I should be like... Incredible Hulk by now. I feel cheated!"

(doctor) "Well, I would say after about Radiation number...8! Then you'll probably be good!"

**I am putting a 5 year old to bed early on before starting chemo and explaining to her that I would be taking medicine that makes me feel better, but might make my hair fall out**

"Do you want to say your nightly prayers?"

"Yes. Dear God, thank you for helping the doctors give Haley medicine that makes her better. Even if it makes her hair fall out. But please don't make me ever have to take that kind of medicine! Thank you! Amen."

(3 year old) "Haley, can I have a drink of your water?"

"Yeah, here you go."

Takes a drink and hands it back to me.

"Oh no. I'm not gonna get really sick like you, will I?"

(Sheraya) "You are familiar with the cancer diet, right?"
"No! The doctor's never said anything to me about one! What is it?"
"Well, we can eat whatever we want, whenever we want, even ice cream for breakfast!"
"I see, is that because of the nausea?"
"Haha, no! It's because I have cancer! Who is going to tell me no when I tell them I have cancer! You gotta milk it for all it's worth, Haley!"

I don't know if I am going to be able to come up with any more of these unless a lot more funny conversations happen. So.... that was fun! =)

I am Weak. He is Strong.

I found this picture today and I really liked it, so I thought I'd share.

It has definitely been a pretty rough weekend.

I think I got so excited about being in remission that I didn't realize the effect that chemo and radiation would still have on my body even after I am done with the actual treatments.

I have been laid up all weekend. Literally.
I was cramping up so bad that when I stood up to go to the bathroom, I thought I was going to pass out. Then on top of that, I have been experiencing horrible headaches and hot flashes.
And when I talked to the doctor about it, all they can say is that it is a normal side effect to those who have had chemo and also radiation in the pelvic region.
Chemo and radiation can put you in a pre-menopausal state. Sometimes it is just temporary, and other times it can be permanent. The doctors explained to me that a lot of patients experience this earlier on, but it is not uncommon that you experience this after you stop treatment too.

On top of that, my body is still experiencing fatigue, that in which I know is obviously completely normal. Although the doctors have told me that my white blood cell levels are high enough to go to Romania, I find myself still pretty nervous about where my body is at physically.

They have me on immune boosters and are doing radiation this Tuesday, but what happens if I get sick when I am overseas? The thought of feeling like I have this weekend in a different country kind of freaks me out. But then again, I just feel like I have a lot of the "crazies" getting in my head. So many people are worried about me getting sick (which obviously makes sense), but ever since I found out I have been able to go... All I have is a negative image of getting sick.

I know that the doctors wouldn't clear me to go unless they thought I was safe to do so and they never even really had any doubts about it either. When they did the tests on me last week, they gave me an okay without any real hesitations, which has gotta mean something, right?

I can only hope and pray that in these 9 more days leading up to leaving for Romania that I will gain some more strength back and not feel like I have this weekend. I have this deep longing to go serve in Romania, but I just pray that my fear of getting sick doesn't overpower my ability to mentally be ready to serve.

Lord, I know you have a plan for all of this.

I trust that You know exactly what you are 

doing. Although my body is weak, I know

that You are strong. My flesh my fail, but,

my God—You never will.  Thank you for 

all that You have done in my life, and all

that You will continue to do. I praise You.

Just For Laughs

Today I just really felt the need to have a fun blog! I just wanted to post some of the funny conversations and statements that have happened throughout this whole journey (well, as many as I can remember). Also—I bolded the parts I said.

"Is there anything you need?" 

"Umm... Can I have your uterus?" 

"Will it make my stomach flatter?!?!"

"Oh and didn't that lady over in that house die of.....(stops sentence)"

"You can say the word cancer, ya know. It's okay, lol."

"Bellows, let's look at the bright side of this... You can win the Tour de France like 7 times after this." 

"Umm, Haley. You recover from your cancer symptoms really fast" (said by 7 yr old)

"Hey....Remember that time your cancer disappeared??"

"No, she can't take vitamins! I started reading a lot of cancer blogs and have read that several times!"

"I feel like we need to name your uterus..... How about Ursula??"

"P.S. Since you're wanting real, normal conversations, thought I'd tell you that..... I'm picking up dog poop!"

"You must be so jealous of the metal taste that I am getting from chemo!"
"I should try sucking on pennies to see if I can get the full effect!"

"Well, it's okay if you do lose all your hair... Because then you would have like a... baby bird head!! All fuzzy and stuff!"

"Look at the bright side! Your cancer color is LIME GREEN!"

"Wanna know why I know you can get through this? Because you have gotten through worser times than this... Like that time you peed your pants!"

 "I don't know if you remember or not, but I said I only like you for your cancer....So now that it's gone..."

"If you drink that kind of green smoothie, then maybe you will poop out all your cancer."

"You really need to milk this for all that it's worth! Can't you get a handicap parking ticket? Or what about if you enter every restaurant by saying, 'Hey! I have cancer and I'm hungry'—Think they'll give you free food??"

"So I decided that I am pretty much done with this whole cancer thing."
"Did you tell your cancer that? Maybe if you demanded it, it would go away?"

"Ugh, I keep losing weight! I can't even keep my jeans on!"

"#cancerproblems"

"Sheraya, it is probably not a good idea to trip the poor little guy! He is only 8!"
"Haley, if only you knew half the things he has done to me. He may look sweet and innocent, but he is as good at pranks as Ashton Kutcher."

"Haley! You really should drink green tea though! I saw on a movie that it decreases your chance of getting cancer by 15%!"
"Umm, I already have cancer."

"Hey, how was chemo?"
"It was not good at all. I was throwing up ALL night and then I woke up this morning completely fatigued. My whole body just wants to die."
"That stinks. I am not feeling too good either. My allergies are driving me crazy!"
"You win." (sarcastically)
"Ugh, I know. They are the worst."

"What kind of cancer do you have?"
"Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma."
"I was right! My friend was telling me about his friend who died of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and I said I had a friend with it, but I wanted to make sure it was the same kind."

"Yes, I do have cancer."
"Wow, that sucks!"

"I heard that if you just eat some asparagus and a little bit of lemon water, you'll be fine"

"At least now you can stop worrying about getting cancer since you already have it!"

"Sheraya, you say the craziest things, lol."
"We need to make a 'Sh** Cancer Patients Say' video!"

(doctor) "So, can you tell me what your poop was like last time you went?"

"Why do you need to know about my poop??"

"Well... I guess I'm not really sure. I really just need to know if you are constipated or not?"

"Umm, nope. I am pooping regularly."

"Good to know."

"Haley!! You need to contact Make A Wish Foundation!! Doooo ittt!!!"

"I have to be under 18 to do that."

"Can't you just lie about your age?"

(Sheraya) "If someone tells me that my head feels like a peach one more time!"

"What are you gonna do?"

"Let them know that I would gladly help them get their head to feel like it too!"

"I can't get this stupid IV cord to stop twirling around my arm!"

"#chemoproblems"

"I gained 6 pounds! So excited!"

"I think you are the only person I know that gets excited about that."

And... I think that's a wrap. If I start remembering more, I will start compiling another blog full. Hope you enjoyed some of these! I sure had quite the laugh remembering these conversations.