Between being an RA, having 17 credits, working, starting my internship, and still having to make the commute to Portland for doctors appointments at least once a week... I have had a hard time finding "me" time in the crazy season of life.
I feel like I have been going through the motions, pushing any situation to the back that I fear could make me become overwhelmed or emotional.
I find it all too often that I come to the level of breakdowns because I don't start talking about things until they reach a boiling point. And it's definitely not because I don't have people that are willing to listen to me because that is far from true. I am so blessed with an abundance of people who are journeying alongside of me.
But sometimes I get this stubborn mentality that I want to try and figure things out on my own first before bringing it to the table.
Can I really call it a funk if I am doing it to myself though?
Or is there more to this whole "funk" thing than I think there is?
Sometimes I feel like I have been positive about this whole cancer thing for too long now. I have always had the attitude that if I can joke about it all the time, then I will make it through just fine.
It has been awhile since I have been real about my feelings. Maybe that is what is building up?
Cancer sucks.
It really, really does.
I don't think there are enough cuss words in the world to describe how much I hate having to go through this. And now that I am on the final stretch of treatments, I get more antsy about reaching the end.
Only 8 more weeks left.
43 days until my last radiation appointment.
I had scans this morning to see how the remaining tumor is responding to treatment, so I am (im)patiently waiting for my doctor to call me and share my results.
Is it bad that I always expect the worst?
I can't help but assume that he is going to call me with bad news; news that the cancer has spread or that surgery is probably the only option.
Now don't get me wrong... I still want to be able to laugh and/or make jokes pertaining to what I am dealing with in my life. I mean, I compared myself to Harry Potter yesterday.
Yes, you read that right... I compared myself to Harry Potter.
In the books and movies, people always refer to Voldemort as "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named." And in comparing myself to him, I feel like that is how people treat the word cancer. People hate the word cancer, so they avoid saying it.
People has referred to it as my "illness" or my "situation" and so many other indirect terms without actually naming it.
So yes, I am like Harry Potter. Unafraid to name my enemy. I will refer to it as cancer and not be afraid of that.
When I was first diagnosed my doctor wrote this quote down for me...
"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."
I just need to find a healthy balance between being positive and being real with my emotions.
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