Unknown Road

Recurrence.

It's every cancer patient's worst nightmare.

Something that I truly believed would never be the case for me...
But as of 2 days ago, I was proved wrong.

I sit here in tears after having just torn down my paper chain countdown out of frustration. The end seemed so near. I just celebrated 4 months (partial) remission last weekend and here I am fighting once again with the unknown of it all...

Gripping tightly to His presence.
Drawing close to His nearness.
Believing that He is still good.

I think one thing that makes this just a tad bit easier is that I have been here before.

I know what it feels like to be this scared.
I know what it feels like to just want to scream.

I keep getting told over and over that I am strong, but why don't I feel that way? Why is it that I feel like I used all my strength last time around? I feel like I have been stripped of all hope.

But maybe when that hope is gone, that is the place where I can experience a hope that is greater and more present; stronger and more sure. That is the hope I need to cling to.

The hope of His love. The promise of His goodness and coming justice sustaining even in the midst of this unbelievable trial. Hoping for good outcomes does not compare to the hope of Him and His love and goodness prevailing through all outcomes.

I can only hope and pray that He is glorified in and through all of this, even when I feel distant.

I need to believe in myself, and that no matter how long the road may be, I will continue to stand because HE is so much stronger than this road.

No matter how twisted it is.
No matter how muddy it is.
No matter how dark it is.

He walked the road first, and He is with me in this.