Let Me Be

I spent my evening in the Penn lobby, sobbing over a TV show.

Yes, you read that right. A TV show.
But if you know me at all, I cry about everything when it comes to movies, TV shows, and even sometimes commercials.

Tonight my TV show of choice was Parenthood. This week was episode two of the 3rd season. The premiere last week set this season to be a very emotional one.

All within the last 3 minutes of the show (with no words, but sad music) one of the main characters (who will be known as *Janet for those who watch the show and haven't seen it yet) had a doctors appointment, had a mammogram, got the results, positive for breast cancer, and then cried in her husbands arms to end the episode.

Now I bet it doesn't sound ridiculous that I was crying, right?

I remember when I very first heard the word cancer come from the doctor's mouth. My mind completely left the room and I felt like my mind was spinning, and that is how it portrayed *Janet when she found out.

So the episode I watched tonight consisted of her having appointments, scheduling surgery, meeting a fellow cancer patient, and lots of crying. Which in turn led to me crying a lot.

But the thing about this episode I really appreciated was the amount of reality that this show portrayed.

The moments in the doctor's offices, the moments waiting for treatment surrounded by people like you, the moments in which you don't know what to do but cry... Those are real, genuine emotions.

*Janet went to a doctors appointment in which she was told that she would have to be getting her Sentinel lymph nodes removed along with get a lumpectomy to make sure that the cancer was not in her lymphatic system...all doctor language that screams loud and clear to me.

She then started seeing a counselor and finally scheduled her surgery with the doctor that they were second guessing.

At the end of the episode it shows *Janet is sitting on her bed and calls her husband over. She says, "I'm scared" and his instant reaction was, "Oh hon, it's okay to be scared" and she sternly replies

"No, stop.

I need you to let me be scared.

I need you to stop always telling me that it's okay and that everything is going to be alright because right now, I don't feel like it is going to be alright. And I'm scared and you need to allow me to feel that."

I cannot express to you how much truth was said in that statement.

I have been so fortunate to have people in my life that are encouraging me to feel exactly how I feel, and express that. And they allow me to do that without sugar-coating it.

Most people don't counteract my feelings with any positive remarks or saying "Well everything will be okay."

Because honestly, I am with *Janet in the sense that I don't know if everything will be okay. I am scared. I have surgery in a little over a week and there is so much unknown that makes me nervous. I have completely shoved my face in my studies in order to push my emotions to the back, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I have not balanced that with giving any space for myself to be honest with others.

I am tired and I am scared; even when I have a smile on my face.