Living For Today

I have sat at my computer every night for the last four nights wanting so much to get some words out on my page. Nothing has came. I have had a complete mental block and it has been driving me crazy!

I couldn't understand for the longest time why I couldn't get anything out because I feel like there is so much to write about! I have been in Remission for almost a week now and it still feels pretty surreal.

I think I have pretty much pin-pointed the reason why I have struggled to get anything written. I think I have tried so hard to figure out how to write how overjoyed I am and how exciting life has been since I found out that I am in Remission...

I am not discounting at all how great it has been because I have had an absolute blast! The first night I spent in remission with friends was amazing and then the following days of celebration with going out to lunch, dinner, coffee dates, and a zoo trip were wonderful. Then I just spent an amazing weekend in Portland with friends that was a real treat, but underneath that all... There is this intense amount of fear.

I go throughout the day completely packing my day with excitement without ever giving myself the time of day to think about how I am really feeling. Then when I get to the end of the day and want to blog or sleep, my mind races. I think about what life was like before I was diagnosed, but it almost seems as if that will never happen again. My body is still weak, trying to recover from chemo. How long will that take to go away?

I wake up the next morning always wondering if this is the day that the cancer is going to come back, and it scares me that I don't have as many appointments because what if during that extended period of time it came back? But I have to fight every day to make sure that my extreme amount of worry does not overtake the joy that I have in my life.

I have to remind myself every morning that God is with me in sickness AND in health. And just because of that... I have reason to celebrate every single day.

I think a word that has completely transformed my mind throughout this whole journey is the word "Courage." Even with things that I have endured in my past, I don't think that I have truly known what it means to have courage until these last 6 weeks.

Courage: *The ability to do something that frightens one.
               * Strength in the face of pain or grief.

This defines my journey. I have found courage within me that I never knew was there and it has been something that I have been able to share with others too. Cancer is scary. It is painful and I have had to endure through a lot of suffering. But I have been able to endure and fight.

One of the definitions I found said something along the lines that courage is facing pain without fear. But I think that is completely wrong. Fear is an emotion that I don't think will ever go away, but it is something that I can definitely contain.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.


Joy is so much more important than fear.
Faith is so much more important than fear.
Hope is so much more important than fear.

I need to surrender daily and fight to defend these things from being taken away from me.

This morning on my way to my doctors appointment, the song Live for Today by Natalie Grant came on and I could not have been happier to hear it.


"You told me not to worry
About what lies ahead
So I am gonna focus on today instead
Making every moment count and counting
Every single blessing
I'm gonna set my mind on the 
Here and the Now
This is what I want my life to be about
And this is how....
I'm gonna live for today
I'm gonna follow in your way
I'm gonna let my little light shine
Like there's no tomorrow
I won't worry about the past
I know my future is intact
So I'll choose to live my life one way
I'm gonna life it for today." 

Then today as I was sharing all of this stuff with my counselor... She explained to me that all of my emotions are completely normal. She said that everyone has fear of relapse, and fear that things won't ever return to normal. Then she showed me a quote that I thought was just so wonderful. (she is really good at giving me stuff like this!)

"All you have is today. The past is gone. The future is yet to be. Peace of mind only exists in the present. Worry about the past and fear of the future are two emotions that keep you from living the moment and rob you of the beauty of today. Living in the present is living life to the fullest, as if each day were your last. The simple pleasure of the moment are yours for the asking. All you have to do it take the time to pause by the flowers and savor their scent, hug your friends and family and tell them you love them every chance you get, savor the smells of the food you are cooking, and give thanks for the gift of life and waking up to a brand new day." 

Lord, I thank you for the gift of life.

For having new mercies for me every

morning. For blessing me beyond

what I could ever imagine. I serve a 

God who is so awesome!!!!!

PS: I got the go ahead to go on my mission trip to Romania in June!! I am so excited!!!!! 
Praise the Lord!!

(I am currently behind on fundraising though because of everything that happened, so if you would like to help me out, let me know please! There are a couple weeks left before the trip and anything helps!)