Nothing But Bittersweet.

Warning: Long Post! But I would say SO worth the time it takes to read it.

I don't think that I could describe today as any other word but bittersweet.


Once again I feel like my world is spinning and I am experiencing a whirlwind of emotions to go along with it.

I started my day off sitting at Symposium Coffee for awhile, and that was absolute bliss. Sometimes it feels just so good to be in a coffee shop where you don't know anyone. Not only was I able to get some journaling and reading in, I was able to visit with a dear friend before heading out.

Then I headed to a place that I had actually swore to myself I would never go back. Not because I didn't want to, but because I thought I wouldn't ever have to... Counseling. 


I have been thinking about it a lot lately because it is a place that I feel free of burden to just unload everything. But I didn't decide to go until someone asked me if I had thought about it, which in turn just felt like affirmation in my decision to go.

I don't think that it could have gone any better.

I have talked to many people about what I am feeling, but so much came out today that I didn't even know I was thinking! Things that I haven't even expressed in writing. She encouraged me to keep journaling, but also bring my journaling with me when I come. It was just so nice to be able to talk to someone that was not also dealing with the emotions of this journey. She then recommended that I make sure that every morning when I wake up, to finish this sentence:

"Today I am going to be dealing with..."

She said that normally the first emotion that you have when you wake up is something that you will think about all day. That is definitely something that I never thought about. She also encouraged me to try and write out some of my dreams. Not in a "Dream-Analyzing" way, but more so that sometimes those emotions carry over throughout the day.

I don't really know what else to say about this appointment other than I am so glad that I went. And am so excited to have another appointment on Thursday.

I then had the chance to visit some dear friends and that always seems to brighten my day. I love just being able to hang out and talk.

But I don't think there is a thing in the world that would prepare me for what happened next.

In an earlier post, I talked about my friend Sheraya. If you are a new follower of my blog, you should Click Here  so that you know the significance behind the next part of this blog.

After my appointment today, I decided that I would stop by and surprise her! As I said in a previous blog, she wanted me to pray that Jesus come in to her heart. I had went and saw her on Friday, but she was sleeping. Instead of just leaving that day, I grabbed her hand and prayed over her while she was sleeping and then left her a little note. So going in today, I was really excited to get to talk to her.

I made my way in to the hospital being greeted by the faces of many doctors and nurses that I recognized. I was stopped several times while making my way to her room. I finally saw my opening while finishing up a conversation to make it there without being stopped again. I got to the doorway and completely froze.

The bed was made and the whole room was empty.
All that was left in the room was a card.
Addressed to me.

I instantly fell to the floor in tears, card in hand. I heard someone running down the hall towards her room...

Sarah, the nurse that first introduced me to Sheraya, stood at the door. I looked up at her and with no words exchanged, she came over to hug me. All I remember saying over and over was, "It wasn't her time! Why her?!" And Sarah just continued to say, "I know, honey. I know." 


After finally coming to the realization that this wasn't a dream, I slowly pulled away from Sarah's embrace and stared at the card.

Sarah then said, "Haley, I want you to know how much Sheraya admired you. I could always tell when she got a text from you because her face would light up. Believe me when I say that this isn't easy for me either, but know that you saved her life. I have been working on her quite a while now, but God knew what He was doing when He sent you here. There is no doubt in my mind that she is sitting with Jesus right now and that is all because of you."


I found myself unable to open the card knowing that I would have yet another emotional breakdown over the fact that she is gone. I think the thought of just not ever reading it came in to my head, but knowing that she chose to write a letter to me... That thought went quickly out of my head as soon as I even thought it.

I debated whether or not to type the whole thing out on here, but I would rather type it all out than explain over and over to people what she said. So here it is.

"Haley. I lay here in my bed knowing that I am probably not going to make it much longer and having Sarah write out this card for you. I want you to know that I am so sad that I missed you on Friday. I really wanted to pray with you, but Sarah told me that you held my hand and prayed over me. Thank you. I also want you to know that I asked the hospital chaplain to come help me accept Jesus in to my life on Sunday. If you are reading this, I am assuming that you came to the hospital to see me. Please know that you are the reason that I felt at peace these last few days. You are the one who saved me. And in return, I have prayed nothing but that the Lord would fully heal you. That He would bless you more than you could imagine. I am sorry this card is so long, and I know it is probably causing you deep hurt to continue reading this while I am gone, but after all you have done for me I couldn't help but tell you how much of a blessing you are. Like I said before, you are an angel from God, sent to bring me His good news. I lay here wondering what my time in the hospital would have been like had I met you sooner or even if I had just came to know the Lord sooner, but like you said numerous times—the Lord's timing is perfect. I asked Sarah to find a thank you note/poem for you that summed up how I am feeling and this is what she found. I agreed that it was perfect. 
—Thank you for the love
You've shown in many ways
For being such a special friend
Bringing cheer to dismal days
I pray our precious Lord
Would bless you even more
As you keep sharing with gladness
The love of the Lord—
You are the definition of a true friend and a servant of Christ.
I love you, friend.


I sit here in utter despair.
Tears streaming down my face.
Honestly speechless.

I can just picture her... My sweet, beloved friend Sheraya.
Sitting in the loving arms of Jesus, pain free and happy as can be.

Lord, although I don't agree with Your timing

right now, I know that You are holding Sheraya

in Your loving embrace. I want to thank you for 

giving me the opportunity to share Truth with her.

My life is blessed and forever changed because of her.